School

"Pass the mustard".  I didn't want to.  What's the adjective that best describes the taste of mustard?

"Hey, Jack, you okay?"

I looked up from my plate to my classmate.  Yeah, I told him, I'm fine.  How could I tell him what was actually on my mind?  I didn't even really understand why I was in such a terrible mood.

He sighed.  "You don't look okay, he said reluctantly".  Why was he sounding reluctant?  He made it sound like me being upset was now his problem, and he didn't like having to solve the problem of his friend being upset.  I guess I can't blame him.  If he was being grumpy and not passing the mustard I guess I'd be kind of upset too.  I don't know how to help anyone, or make them happier.  

"Jack, pass me the mustard you big weirdo, then tell me what's on your mind"

I passed him the mustard and said, I'd rather not talk about it.  

"Fine, fine, but you're bumming me out man. I don't like seeing you like this.  Frank, what's up with Jack? Do you know?"

Frank looked up from his phone and shook his head in the negative, "It's his own life Reg", he said, "if Jack doesn't want to talk about it he has a right to not talk about it.  If I feel like shit the last thing I usually want is some idiot making me talk about my feelings when I don't want to talk about my feelings."

Reg responded, "yeah, no, fuck that.  Jack, I'm your friend and I don't like you being bummed out.  What's the matter man?  Did your dad take away your Playstation or something? Did Candace kiss Kyle in front of you or something?  Did Scott corner you in the locker room again?"

I looked up from my plate at the last question.

"Fuck".  Said Reg.  "That mother fucker.  I told you to tell me when he did that shit again Jack".

I didn't say anything because I didn't want him to retaliate. I puled.  I sounded like such a fucking coward.  I never fought back against bullies.  I've always just avoided confrontation.  It was easier that way.  

"Yep.  Nope.  I don't fucking care.  I told you before to handle it, because if I handle it, he'll just keep fucking picking on you man.  But this is ridiculous.  You're not alone, and if I have to look at your depressed face one more day I'm going to hate myself forever.  Frank, where does Scott have class fourth period?"

Frank shook his head again.  "Don't get involved Reg", he said, "you're just going to make things harder on Jack.  And you could get kicked out of school for doing something as stupid as getting into a fight".

"I'm not going to fight him if I can help it" said Reg, "the fucker and his pals are huge anyway.  I'd probably end up in a hospital.  But I can't not fight him if it comes to it. Look at Jack man!  The kid is losing sleep over this.  I'm sure it's all he can think about right now.  I mean come on, how is he supposed to get laid being such a mopey, sad faced punk all day?  I need my man chipper so he can get some pussy".

I couldn't take it anymore.  I stood up to leave. Why couldn't I take it?   I guess I never really figured that out.  I never sat down and really thought about why my friend defending me was so god damned uncomfortable.  Was it because I didn't want someone to fight for me?  That I felt pathetic because of that?  That I should be able to take care of my own problems, and not bother others with my insecurity, my cowardice, my failure to stand up for myself?  I really never found out.  

Maybe I didn't like my friend being so good to me, when I felt so terrible.  It made me feel like I didn't deserve them.  Maybe it was the pussy thing that made me uncomfortable.  Was he right? Would I never get laid if I couldn't handle what should be simple, what should be easy for any man of character to do, which is stand up to a bully?  I guess I never found out, and maybe I never will.  All I know is him talking about not getting pussy was the last straw for me in enduring this conversation.  I got up and walked away. Until Reg stopped me 5 seconds later.

"Jack, look, Jack, come on man.  If you don't want me to do anything I wont".

"I don't want you to do anything", I said as cold and seriously as I could.

He looked like he was about to yell at me, but just sucked in a quick breath and said, "Fine, But if you go one more fucking day without standing up to Scott and his micro penis compensating friends, then I am going to go up to him in the parking lot after school, wait by his car, and slug him as hard as I can before he has sense enough to beat the shit out of me.  And I'll do it every fucking day if I have to.  I can't stand seeing you like this anymore man.  You look like shit".

I snorted and said, thanks.  I smiled a little.  I knew he meant what he said.  I adopted a frown right after that though, and held it.  I knew he meant what he said.  

I put my tray in the receptacle and continued to my next classroom.  I'd arrive there early, then try to study for a quiz while I figured out what the hell to do with Scott.  

"Hey Jack!", called out Bernice.  She was standing behind a table set up in the hallway.  It had home baked cookies on it.  "Want some cookies?  We're raising money for the upcoming trip to a campground in Montana!"

I grunted and  I frowned at her and kept moving. 

I wondered what she thought of that.  If she thought I was a weirdo because I was frowning all the time.  I bet she thought I was an idiot or some coward, which I am.  Maybe she would be concerned for me, chase me down and try to fix me.  Then we'd fall in love and have a family together someday.  What an idiot I am.  Girls don't like that, do they?  They want someone who is strong, who stands up for others, who is capable of defending both them and themselves.  A girl can't respect a guy that gets bullied all the time and he won't do anything about it.  Can she?  Does that kind of thing even matter?  Why do girls go for tough guys anyway?  What about being kind?  Kindness only gets you so far, doesn't it?  Being a good man is more than being kind.  I think I'd like to always be kind, because I like when others are kind to me.  Which I wasn't to Bernice just now.  I barely even acknowledged her.  I should've smiled and said hello.  I should've said no thanks or some shit.  A grunt?  Who the fuck do I think I am?  Im such a fucking loser.  

I walked past my classroom.  Fuck.  I turned around and walked back to it right away.  When I spun around I did so abruptly, and nearly collided with a student coming the other direction.  

"Yo!  He said, watch where you're going!  Freak".

I blushed and avoided eye contact.  I got angry at myself, and angry at everything, and ducked into the classroom.  It was empty.  Thank Christ.  I found my desk and took out my study material.  Okay, I thought, now let's just focus on getting this quiz done.   If I do well on it, could I show it to my parents?  Would they even be proud of that?  It's not like I invented time travel, but maybe they'd get me some ice cream or something.  Hell, it might make them think I'm like a genius and doing well at school.  Maybe that's how I get out of this situation?  Go to college, leave Scott and his idiot friends at a gas station, dead end jobs, while I graduate and go to some great school and make a lot of money.  Maybe I can travel then, and get a hot wife from some other country.  That wouldnt make me a fucking loser, would it? I can't be bullied my whole life, could I?  Are there always bullies?  There are probably always bullies.  And it's not just the bully is it?  It's me being brave.  If I'm not brave enough to fight a bully, who says I'm brave enough to do anything?  Who says I'm brave enough to challenge myself with a career, school, a job, a tough boss or coworker or some shit like that?  I bet it's easier when you're the boss to tell someone what to do, to not take any of their shit.  I bet you can just fire them and then they're out of your lives.  Or if the bully is my boss, then I can just quit. Yeah, I bet it's easier to deal with bullies as an adult.  And if they're really aggressive, I can just call the cops or security at my work place, yeah?  That shit is more serious as an adult.  

I looked down at my notes, realizing my eyes had moved down several lines already, but my brain didn't register what I'd read.  Fuck, I thought, I need to focus.  I don't understand this at all.  I wonder if I ever will, or if it'll ever be useful.  I bet Scott sucks at school.  He probably sits at the back of class, acting like a jerk, joking with his friends and pissing off the teacher. I bet he's an idiot, an insecure loser who needs to act cool in order to hide his stupidity.  That's what makes a bully a bully, right? That they're stupid at school? Or are some bullies actually smart, and enjoy torturing people because they're smarter than them?  What kind of logic is that shit?

Why can't I just reason with a bully?  What good is education if it doesnt teach me how to talk to a bully and convince them being a bully is a shitty fucking thing to be?  What use is learning all this shit if I can't make a person realize why not being a bully is beneficial for both themselves and society?  Why is it beneficial anyway?  Doesn't it make sense?   Isn't that what they say, take what you want?  Go after it no matter what? Failure isn't an option?  I bet if I was stronger they wouldn't bully me.  I bet if I was smart enough and read more philosophy or shit like that then I could convince them to not bully me.  Maybe they don't respect reason at all.  What use is philosophy against fists?  Maybe they just respect fists.  You could have all the money in the world, but one dude kills you and he steals all your money and your wife and kills your kids.  We learned about ancient Greece last year, how the Greek city states would go island to island, raping and pillaging weaker villages and stealing all their stuff.  They'd enslave the people, kill at their leisure, and then brag about it.  People don't talk about that much, do they?  I bet all these kids at this school would be more grateful for what they have in modern civilization if they thought about how the Greeks killed and enslaved people all the time.  We have it so easy.  I should be able to face a bully, if people were being killed and raped and enslaved back then, right?  What the fuck am I doing, why am I depressed by a single bully when I'm not getting raped, killed, or enslaved by some foreign invader who doesnt even speak my language? Why can't I just fight these guys?  Pick up like a sport or workout or something?  Why can't they just think about shit?

How do I get around that though?  And should I?  I would need to work out like every hour of every day for 10 years to be stronger than them.  And I'll never grow taller than them.  I'll always be shorter.  Maybe I can learn Kung fu.  And do what, karate kid them?  They'd just fucking laugh at me.  This is all so ridiculous.  Why can't I just try to fight them?  Wouldn't that make them stop? Just showing them I mean business? Or is that going to make them bully me more?  Fucking Reg!  Why can't he leave me and this problem alone!?  Fuck!  He's going to pick a fight and get kicked out of school if I don't handle this.  Should I tell the principal or the teachers?  Then I'll always be a fucking snitch, and they'll bully me until the end of time.  What if I fight and get kicked out?  That's not worth it, right?  It's better to be bullied and stay in school and graduate than fight a bully and get kicked out.  Isn't it?  But what's more important, being a coward bitch with a million dollar job, or a bum on the street with pride?  I don't fucking know. 

I didn't know then, and I honestly don't know now.  

How does society work like this?  Are there always bullies?  Do we all need to be bullies in a little way, to fight the bigger bullies of the world?  I guess that's why police exist.  When someone won't work well with society, they need a physical response to enforce the rule of law.  Fuck man, I don't know what to do.

Other kids started coming into the classroom. 

"Did you see that episode last night?", asked Tyler of Jason.  

"Yeah!",  said Jason, "The fucking dragon being dragged out of the lake was insane!  What do you think is going to happen to it?"

"They're going to make a zombie dragon dumbass!  It's for sure going to be a zombie dragon!"

Then Candace and her friends Jordan and Patricia walked in. 

My heart skipped a beat when I saw Candace.  It always skipped a beat when I saw her.  Fuck she's so hot, I thought.  There's no way she'd be into a loser like me.  She deserves someone who is tough, who can defend her against bullies, who would stand up to someone like Scott.  Will we ever get together, and have a family and kids?  What if I stood up to Scott?  Would she know?  I could get the confidence to ask her out then.  We'd tell our kids, Your dad and mom were in the same school together.  Your dad was a wuss for the longest time though.  He never had the courage to talk to her.  Then, when some bullies started picking on him, he finally fought them off!  He then walked right up to your mom, with a big black eye on his face, and asked her to sit with him at lunch one day.  She smiled and said yes.  The rest is history kids!  

Nah, she'd never be into me.

Why would she?  I'm small, pale, I get bullied, and I'm a coward.  None of those things are what a woman would want, or want in a husband.  Just because I'm in love with her, doesn't mean she'd ever be in love with me.  But if I never ask her, or talk to her, about anything, how would I know?  Wouldn't it be better just to ask her out and have her reject me so I can move on with my life, instead of having this stupid, dorky fool's hope that maybe something will happen between us?  

I stuck my head on the desk.  

"Damn Jack", said Clarence, "What's got you so fucking depressed today?"

"Fuck off".  I said to Clarence in a voice muted by the desktop.  

"Okay asshole", scoffed Clarence, "Sheesh, last time I ask you what's wrong.  Hey, did you study for this quiz?"

Fuuuuuuuck!  I hadn't even read through the notes yet.  I spent the last 20 minutes brooding instead of trying to ace this fucking quiz.  Shit I am an idiot.  I sped read through my notes once, twice, then tried looking away to remember what I just read.  Nothing.  Fuck. I am going to fail this quiz.  

"Good afternoon everyone!", said Mr. Sampson as he walked into the class.  

Some kids said good afternoon in response, some just grunted, others didn't respond at all and kept talking to their friends.  

Shit shit shit shit.  I thought.  Why do we need to memorize anything anyways!?  I wondered.  When you graduate school and are working at your job, can you just look shit up online whenever you want? Won't all the answers be in front of me anyways?  What's the point in memorizing anything?  And can't computers just think for me these days? Come on man! 

"Please take a quiz and pass it behind you, just like we do every quiz day, thank you Candace!",  Mr. Sampson was passing out the quizzes.

"Study notes away Jack", said Mr. Sampson to me, "If you don't already know it you definitely won't in the next 10 seconds".

I grunted and put away my notes.

I got a quiz and passed it along. I took a look at each question, and got a sinking feeling in my guts. As I read through each question I realized I didnt know an answer to a single one.  This was humiliating.  Why didn't I study?  Why had I been so fucking focused on the bully and not on studying?  This was ridiculous.  

"Alright everyone", said Mr. Sampson, "10 minutes.  Annnnnnd, go!" 

Mindy raised her hand.  

"Yes Mindy?", said Mr. Sampson.

"Mr. Sampson", said Mindy, "What do you mean by finding the minima on the curve?  Aren't there going to be multiple minima?"

"Good question", responded Mr. Sampson, "but I guess I meant to choose the lowest minima.  The way I worded the question could be confusing. I see your point.  Well, if people find any minima after graphing the equation then I'll give them full credit.  You can all thank Mindy for that".  

"Thanks Mindy", said Brad obnoxiously, his smile showing.  A few kids giggled at that. Mindy stuck out her tongue at him, smiled, and kept working.  

I didnt know how to find any fucking minima, let alone the lowest.  Fuck me.  I groaned and just started doing what I could.  I failed this quiz for sure.  Maybe I should just drop school altogether.  Trades are good too, right?  There's no shame in taking a trade job, right?  My dad works trades and he's the best guy I know.  Kind of a hard life though.  I don't want to work 9 hours a day like him at manual labor.  But I bet I'll get jacked if I pick the right job.  Why are guys that do manual labor so stereotypically fat?  Shouldn't they be super fit with all the lifting and moving and pushing and pulling they do?

Fuck. 

What about vacation days?  Do I get those at those jobs?  What do they even make per hour?  Who needs school anyway?  I heard so many geniuses just quit school and went and did things like Steve Jobs and whatever the other guy's name was that actually invented everything.  Maybe I could be Steve Jobs.  Just find some genius, tell him some imaginative thing, and then get rich while he does all the smart, actually soldering shit together stuff.  Don't they say failure is good for you, too? 

Maybe if I act tough after failing this quiz people might actually respect me.  They'll know I failed, but that it didn't get to me.  Maybe I'll just tear up this quiz right now, and act like a badass.  Would Candace like that?  Or would she think I am a petulant child, and an idiot who doesn't know how to find a minima?  I don't know.  I guess handling this with courage is a good thing.  Maybe this can be a baby step towards becoming more confident.  I do this, and then taking down a bully is easier, yeah?  What's fighting a bully compared to telling my dad I'm a failure at math? At least my dad would respect me for fighting a bully.  He probably would get pissed and yell at me and take away my Playstation for failing math.  But fighting a bully?  He'd be so proud of his tiny son, even if I lost.  I could hear him talking to his coworkers, Yeah, my son is little but he's got fucking heart.  He took on a bully at school who was twice his size, took his fucking lumps like a man, and kept going.  That's my boy!  Yeah, he'd fucking eat that shit up and brag about it to everyone he could.  

"Pencils down!"  Said Mr. Sampson.  Please pass your quizzes to the front.  We passed them along.  Fuck!  I just remembered how to find minima.  God dammit, I'm an idiot.  

We finished up class, and went to the next one.  In the hallway Mike and Chad were snickering at something and laughing as they walked by me.  I wonder if they were laughing at me.  Nah, that's just paranoia talking.  Why do we not like it when people snicker to themselves, when they laugh quietly to each other?  Is it because we think theyre talking about us?  Is it because we think that anyone who does that has something to hide?  Is it because we're jealous, and want to know the joke too?  Probably it's the insecurity thing.  

I turned a corner and saw Scott.  He saw me, smiled, and walked my way. I panicked and headed down a side stairwell.  It led me away from my next class, but fuck it.  My heart was pounding as I sped down the stairs, and down another hallway. Fuck. He's going to bring this up later, isn't he?  He's going to see me in the locker room and say, "Hey fucknuts, is someone a scared little pussy?  You didn't want to say hi to your friend Scott?  Aw, don't you like me?  I'm not such a bad guy!  It's not like I'm going to fuck you in the hallway gaywod.  I was just going to say hi.  Am I not someone you can say hi to?  Am I just not worth your fucking time?"

What does Scott want with me anyways? Is he gay?  Does he want to be around me all the time because he wants to suck my dick?  Is he just getting off on the power of controlling me?  Is his own life so fucked up that the only way he feels powerful is by picking on weak shithead pansies like me?  Why does he want to be like this?  What the fuck man.  Maybe his dad beats him so he beats others too.  Maybe it's the only way he's been taught so it's all he knows.  Fuck man I don't know.  I just know he likes it, he likes picking on me, and he's a fucking loser.  

Shit.  I'm such a fucking coward.  

I rounded a corner, and bumped into Scott.

He stared down at me, and grinned.  

He shoved me into a classroom.  Some kids were in there, a guy and a girl.  They both look over at us.

"Hey", says Scott, "Do you mind giving us some privacy?"

"Uh, yeah kind of ", says the guy, "we were here first. Why don't you girls find some place else to make out?"

Scott grins at the kid and merely responds, "Fine, you can stay and watch if you like, but I like to use my tongue and it can get kind of sloppy". 

The girl blushes and the guy gives an uncomfortable grin.  They shrug and start to move on.   But just then the girl glances my way.  I flush red.  She grabs the guy and whispers something in his ear. That's when the guy finally looks at me.  

"Hey", the guy says to me, "are you okay?"

I look at him, then back to Scott.  Scott looks at me with a warning expression, like I should know what the fuck to say.  

"Yeah," I say, "Yeah I'm fine thanks".

The guy looks hard at me and then at Scott.  "Okay...," he says unconvinced, "If you're sure man", he grabs his girlfriend's hand and walks out.  

"Nice", says Scott, "You are at least fucking brave enough to not go crying for help.  Now, freak, let's talk".

I don't say anything.  All I can wonder at is what the fuck he has planned for me.  I wonder if I can run out the side door.  What the fuck does he want to talk about?

"Look, Jack, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot.  I think we could be pals if we can get past you squealing every fucking time I joke around with you.  Reg talked to me". 

My eyes went wide.

"Yeah", says Scott, "yeah I had a nice chat with him.  I explained that all I'm doing is kidding around with you.  You know that right?  You know I'm just playing around?  Jesus Jack, you think I'm fucking bullying you?  Look haha, if i wanted to bully you then I'll show you some fucking bullying".   

I don't know what to say.  My mouth moves wordlessly, dumbly, and I'm speechless.  Would he actually give up hurting me?  Did Reg get through to him?

"Look man, says Scott, I'm going to be straight with you, okay?  When I'm joking, I'll be kidding around.  When I'm serious, I'll say, I'm fucking serious right now.  Got it?  That way you'll know which is which and we won't get confused anymore".

"I...I don't want to talk to you Scott", I speak like an idiot.  I'm stuttering and barely getting the words out. My heart is pounding.

"What?", asks Scott, incredulous.  

"I, I hate you", I say. Fuck.  Why the fuck did I say that?  He's going to beat the shit out of me.

Scott laughs.  "Hate me?", he says.  "Why the fuck would you hate me?  What the fuck did I ever do to you pussy?  Jesus Christ you cant take a fucking joke?"

"It didn't feel like a joke to me, Scott" , I say.  I don't know where this is coming from.  My god what the hell am I saying?  Am I actually talking to this clown?  Shouldn't I just punch him in the face like a real man?

Scott looks at me and asks, "How old are you?  You're like 14 right?  Yeah man look, it's easier to understand when you get older but I am not fucking picking on you.  You don't mean anything to me.  I was fucking playing around.  Now, you need to grow the fuck up and learn how to take a god damn joke.  You can't be a bitch and be a kid your whole life".

I almost gag listening to this.  My own bully, telling me not to be bullied.  What kind of fucked up world is this?  

"Scott", I say, "leave me alone".

"Leave you alone?",  he says, "I'll do no such thing!  I'm having fun, and we can be good buddies together.  Look, why don't you come with me and the guys tonight?  We've got some beers and we're going to a party later.  You're fucking lame but I think we can bury the hatchet together if you come along".

I can't believe what I'm hearing.  There's no way he'd seriously want to be friends with me.  This is some kind of sick fucking trick.  Would Candace be at this party? What would she think if I showed up with Scott and his goons?  Would she like that?  There's no way she'd like that.  If anything Scott has a better chance with her than me.  

"Thanks for offering", I start, "But-"

"Great!  I'll pick you up later!", he says, "Where do you live? I'll swing by and grab you.  Billy has the car".

I hesitate.  He sees me hesitating.  Why would I want this fuck to know where I live. 

"You don't want to give me your address, Do you?", he correctly surmises.  "What" , he asks, looking perturbed, "You don't trust me?  What kind of loser do you think I am?  What, am I going to teepee your house?  Will I steal your video games and fuck your sister and your mom?  What the fuck man!"

"I just", I begin to say, "I just don't want to go to anything with you Scott.  I don't like you".

"You don't even know me!", he says.

Maybe I don't, I think.  Maybe he could be a nice guy, deep down.  Isn't that what those stupid kid's movies say?  Fucking Disney.  Fuck that shit.  Scott's a dick, and even if he is a nice guy he's been a complete asshole to me for months.  Why the fuck would I want to try and find out if he and I could be friends, could settle our differences?  Fuck this guy.

"No, that's true, but you have been treating me like shit, Scott", I say.  

He hits me.  Hard.

"I said", he shouts, "You don't fucking know me!  You don't know shit about me, and you are a fucking bastard for thinking you're better than me!  You don't know shit you little fucking piece of shit!  Here I am, trying to be friends with you, and you won't even try to work with me.  Who's the fucking prick here, hm?  It's not me!  I was just joking for crying out loud!"

I nurse the blow to my face.  

He scoffs at me.  "You're fucking pathetic", Jack, he says, "You grow a fucking pair of balls or guys like me will run over you your whole life.  I'll see you at gym class, homo.  And if you go crying again to your friends or your teachers, I'll tell them you are the fucking bully.  I'll say you said things that made me want to hit you.  I'll say you think I'm poor trash, and a loser.  Which you do, right?"

I don't look at him.  I'm too pissed at myself to do anything.  I fucking hate my cowardice.  He hit me in broad daylight.  Are there no repercussions for this?

"Yeah, you fucking think you're so much better than me.  You're no better than me, you hear?  You're a fucking pussy.  You're a loser who can't even talk to me.  Pathetic man.  Well you're not better than me.  I'm not going down for you.  If you squeal again I am m going to find your home, break your shit, and I am going to make your life a living fucking hell.  I'll see you later, freak".

He gets up and leaves.

I'm left there with a mark forming on my face.  

Penned by D.G. Ned